I WRITE about this reluctantly.
It’s Tuesday morning, the time each week when I chain myself to the desk and pray to the muse that I can write something of interest both to me and the readers of this blog.
If a topic hasn’t already been itching me, I scan articles I’ve bookmarked for the purpose of commenting, expanding or simply inspiring me to write on the subject.
I also will look at my blog stats and see which article topics are being read the most.
Sometimes, I peer out the window and scan Richardson Bay for a mermaid muse.
Some time ago, I had a laugh when I read about a South Korean study that showed that the relative size of a man’s index and ring fingers indicate penis size.
“I’ve got to write about this… it will go viral!” I said to myself.
So I wrote Drats! It’s No Longer a Secret — Penis Size Is Determined by Finger Length. The post did not go viral, but it’s among the top 10 read here on this humble site.
Given the prominence of the subject among my readers, when I bumped into a Time Healthland article by Meredith Melnick called Add Inches!! (No, Really, Men Can Make It Longer), I thought, “I gotta put my spin on this!”
With all that as an explanation for this most importantly trite subject, let’s get to the chase:
Fellas, the gals care a heck of a lot less about your junk than you do!
Now, to you puerile hecklers, let me say that this definitive factoid does not come from my own experiential research trove of three data points, but from those Kinsey Institute sex researcher types.
Armed with clipboards and penis tissue expansion implements resembling Middle Age spine stretching, pain inflicting torture devices, among others, these able scientists romp through the countryside, surveying woman and testing the permanent expansion capabilities of said penises. (Temporary blood flow augmentation will not suffice.)
Here, in two bullet points, their findings:
- Although only 55% of men are satisfied with their third leg, 85% of women are, the best indication yet that they really should rule the world.
(We men still need to adjust their appetite for girth, as they still kinda like that, at least relative to length.)
- Among all the touted miracle grow wand enhancing devices and potions, Tristan and Iseult had it right – only the pull-it-apart-stretch-traction devices worked, averaging an increase of wonderwang size between 0.7 and 0.9 inches while flaccid, and 0.67 inches when at full mast.
(Best done when unemployed, unless you’re willing to take said devices to work cause it requires hours of stretching each day.)
Now, before I continue, a word to those who have contemplated the uncontemplatable – letting a scalpel carve your manhood into some Mt. Rushmore edifice…
The surgical treatments, the researchers found, were dangerous and had “unacceptably high rate of complications.” Yeah, and unless self-adornment is only for the mirror’s sake, for whom would you be slicing and dicing for anyway?
Remember that first bullet point above.
What About Erectile Dysfunction, You Breathlessly Ask?
Before I conclude this memorable post that surely you’ll want to share with all your buds on Facebook, let me report what these able medical people discovered about what works for erectile dysfunction.
They found that the use of Peno-scrotal Rings, which fit around the scrotum and base of the penis, helped beef up size and maintain erection. That said, the sample size was the mind numbing number of 2, which makes the results rather completely inconclusive.
Turning next to the honed art of Penis Pumping, the data suggested that a six-month regimen of daily penis pumping — using a pump to create a vacuum inside a cylinder to stretch the penis — was both painful and ineffective.
Fellas, your takeaway from this post is that your edifice for procreation is sufficiently appreciated by women that you should relax about its power to awe, and redirect such energies to developing a six-pack, cause there’s some pretty strong evidence that supports the contention that strong abs are preferred by most women over the Michelin Man.
And about that I do speak from my own trove.
P.S. You can read the article from which these stats were unceremoniously extracted here, and which were partly based upon a review of studies conducted by the British Association of Urological Surgeons.
P.P.S. If you wish for me to stop blogging about such small and trivial matters, let me know in the Comments section below.
Published on May 1, 2012